Nice Things To Say About Dumb People

• A few clowns short of a circus.
• A few fries short of a Happy Meal
• A few Cokes short of a six-pack.
• A few peas short of a casserole.
• The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
• One taco short of a combination plate.
• A few feathers short of a whole duck.
• The cheese slid off his cracker.
• Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
• He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
• As smart as bait.
• Chimney's clogged.
• Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
• Forgot to pay his brain bill.
• Her sewing machine's out of thread.
• His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
• No grain in the silo.
• In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

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Quick Notes

I was in the express lane at the store. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. The cashier beckoned the woman to come forward.....looked into the cart and asked, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Imagine my delight!

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? " Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks," Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John, " his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob" "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi Then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

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• July 18, 1966 "Let's let Ringo sing one. No harm in that, is there?"
• September 2, 1997 Lou Bega finishes "Mambo #4," decides his symphony needs one more movement.
• May 4, 1956 In Toronto, Neil Young's tonsillectomy causes no damage to his larynx, thereby not robbing him of his voice.
• July 29, 1974 "Soup or sandwich today, Ms. Cass?"
• April 10, 1980 Andrew Lloyd Webber hears a cat fight in the alley behind his house. Out of nowhere, a light bulb appears above his head.
• July 13, 1964 Herman's Hermits stop in at Henry the Eighth's Tobacco Shoppe and are loudly greeted by the owner.
• July 27, 1980 Phil Collins has a dream in which he quits Genesis and becomes fabulously wealthy.
• March 14, 1971 Little Michael Jackson stubs his toe, lets out a high-pitched "Wooooo!" and gingerly walks backwards 10 feet.
• June 7, 1966 "Hey, chaps, I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend, Yoko."
• July 23, 1956 Colonel Tom Parker says to Elvis, "Boy, you're nothin' but skin and bones. You better put on some weight, or people are gonna think you're sick!"
• October 31, 1975 At a costume party in Greenwich Village, a soldier, an Indian, a biker, a construction worker, a cop and a cowboy all decide, "This is way too much fun to do just once a year!"
• December 11, 1971 William Shatner, listening to radio, softly begins to sing along.
• April 7, 1975 Furious over his girlfriend's constant unsolicited lyric suggestions, Barry Manilow decides to tell her, once and for all, just who writes the songs.
• March 3, 1993 Finally deciding to give the studio a thorough cleaning, Prince stumbles upon a napkin with some random doodles.

• Before you criticize someone walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
• I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

My Jobs

• 1. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
• 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
• 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
• 4. When dating a woman of the opposite sex, be aggressive. Let her know you're interested. Tell her, "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
• 5. If you're every lucky enough to marry your cousin, the groom should at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
• 6. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

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• 1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
• 2. Thursday night-potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• 5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julie Belzer.
• 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting at the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• 7. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
• 8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
• 9. Thursday at 5 PM will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to became Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
• 10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
• 11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• 12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
• 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.
• 14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the hall. Music will follow.
• 15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• 16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
• 17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
• 18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• 19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.
• 20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
• 21. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Bad Day

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age! .

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
(i.e. 10,560 gals per mile; 1,056,000 per hundred miles)

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'radar', 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself

..............Now you know everything